Thursday, May 16, 2019

Fire

Global Warming [Summer] is nigh.

This means it's Fireworks Season. Annoying 'look-at-me' types use any excuse for a celebration - such as weddings, funerals, being able to afford fireworks - to launch a barrage of noise and irritation.



The councils are missing a trick here. Normally they employ their mafia-like extortion racket at anything anybody does. Ergo, they should require these jerks to have a licence and pay for a Fireworks Liaison Team to be present.

They could trouser loads of dosh from folks and spend it on themselves and it would only cost around £50,000,000* to set up.

*per council

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Newspeak

The latest Newspeak list has been released by the EU.

All new words and terms are mandatory and come into effect immediately.

EU becomes The Fourth Reich
Diesel car owner becomes Murderer
Person drinking with a straw becomes Whale Murderer
Global Warming becomes Climate Change
Winter becomes Freak weather event caused by Climate Change
High Tide becomes Rising Sea Levels

Monday, May 13, 2019

Silence


I just watched  The Silence on Netflix.



There is a common sequence of events in all post-apocalyptic scenarios which we can use as guidance:

You’ve survived an end-of-days event or are in a film of that nature. You and your attractive partner scavenger through the ruins dodging some threat or other.

As you venture further afield you both wonder if you are the only two people left alive.

You begin to lose all hope of ever finding another living person. One day, you happen upon a man. He is friendly, happy to meet you and is eager to help you.

SHOOT HIM.

Friday, May 3, 2019

British MP working in a shop

Customer: “Good Morning or Afternoon. Can I have a pint of Milk, Please

British MP working in a shop: “There’s a tin of beans and some sandpaper”.

Customer: “But I wanted a pint of Milk

British MP working in a shop: “I know better. When you said you wanted a pint of Milk what you really was a tin of beans and some sandpaper

Customer: “But I wanted a pint of Milk

British MP working in a shop: “Shut your face. I decide what you’re having. Now pay me more than this stuff is worth and get lost

Thursday, May 2, 2019

EU elections

Just taken delivery of my Polling Card for the EU elections which “We’re not having”.

Oh, to be in a real democracy like China or Venezuela.

We voted to leave the Fourth Reich so why are we having to vote in their sham elections?

Praise the Lord for Nigel Farage and the Brexit Party – our last chance to save Britain.


Saturday, April 27, 2019

Tumblr out of bed



In December last year Tumblr had the inspired idea of banning porn on its site.

Four months later and millions, one fifth, of its subscribers have legged it.

A massive amount has ended up on Imagefap.com and have brought their content [where possible] with them.

https://www.imagefap.com/


Friday, April 26, 2019

Theresa May is now a question


To the relief of quizmasters and crossword compilers world-wide, there’s a new question they can ask: “Who is the worst Prime Minister Britain’s has ever had?”

The answer, clearly, is Theresa May.


There is no ambiguity. In the past there would be debate; “What about Pit the Elder?” “Edward Heath, surely?”

Now, however, there is no room for debate. It’s May.

There is some discussion over who is the biggest traitor because there’s always Lord Haw Haw to consider.